Jude Turns 5

This Thursday is Jude's 5th birthday. For his first 3 birthdays we always made a point to do something special and have a family day. For his first birthday we did a balloon release and for his second and third we released enormous Monarch butterflies. Last year, for his 4th birthday, everything was different. I found myself the throws of my first year of medical school without a spouse, without a single person who knew of Jude and without a spare moment to reflect and celebrate his life. My precious Mama had died just two weeks earlier and I was drowning in school work and exams. This year Jude's birthday will fall on the day before an exam so once again I will spend the day with my nose buried in a book, still without my spouse. Friday, after the exam, I will have a revision surgery on my eyes so I'll likely spend the weekend in recovery and trying to keep up with my school work. I'm okay though, I've found ways to celebrate his life when the opportunity presents itself. We took a trip to Hawaii last December when I was on a brief winter break and I drew Jude's name in the sand of every beach we visited. I also took my Mama's ashes and found a particularly beautiful private beach to release her. Then, after my last final exam for in the spring, I spent a solid week mourning and reflecting on both Jude and Mama. That was a surprise because I didn't realize how much I had suppressed my emotions in order to get through my first year of medical school. After my exam I walked to the garage feeling accomplished and happy but just as soon as the car door closed I started sobbing uncontrollably. I think it was a good 5 minutes before I could even turn on the car and begin to make my way home. The entire year, even in Hawaii, I had not let myself grieve these loss. Suddenly was as if a switch had been flipped and I could finally release a year's worth of tears and raw emotions. I ended up spending the entire week off before starting my summer research project cleaning my house, crying and reflecting on Jude and Mama. It was just what I needed.

I suppose this is the way it has to go for now, but I know that it is all temporary. Today I stumbled across something I said on the Love and Light page on 9/11/11. I said, "This experience has taught me so much about love, humankind and how I plan to move forward with my life goals. There isn't a second that goes by that I don't miss my baby terribly, but I can't regret what I am learning and how I am growing as a person. Thank you for sharing this journey with me." Thousands of beautiful souls reached out to me and surrounded me in love during the darkest weeks of my life. I'm eternally grateful I know that, in making these sacrifices now, I am not only honoring my son's life but I am also putting myself in a position to pay forward their love and kindness.